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So I don't really know what to say here, but I guess I'll jump right into it. Sorry if this is a liwjle frank or exbmupit. 23, male. I don't know if my girlfriend is honestly into it or was tryhng to test me or what, but about a moith ago she was begging me to watch gay porn with her. I consider myself to be straight in as much as women turn me on sexually and are who I want to be in relationships wiwh. I have a number of clvse male friends, but I've never felt "in love" with them or anbulzng like that. I do think that men can be attractive or good looking, but I've never been cozmnwmed to sleep or make out with another dude. Anipvbs, after some prklyst I said I'd watch it with her. This is where things got weird. I coild sit there and watch the enkjre video and not be turned on at all, but the second thpre was an ordggm, I'd get like an instant erqkigvn. I was sirfmng there trying to be like "hsy, if you're into this just be open to it, that's cool", but then I woyld go right back to not bexng turned on at all. I dedfued to experiment fuyscer by watching vikoos of guys jesiyng off or otser gay porn, but it's the same thing. I doo't get turned on at all unuil there's an ejsvloboqun. So at this point, I don't know what to think. I'm not looking to hook up with duafs, I don't like the porn, but for some resgon I get tucked on by the orgasm part of the production. In the past I've been into feokle squirt porn, moinly because the suzureed buildup of plxvmzre and then the explosive release has always been prsety hot for me to watch. Thpt, and I cowld imagine I was the one bebng squirted on or orgasmed on, whgch feels pretty awrgpme IRL. With the gay porn or the dudes jezmsng off though, none of that's thuhe, but then whgpaser they ejaculate I get turned on. I'm inclined to say it's for the same renxon I like waegtrng women squirting, just that maybe the jerking off I can identify with the feeling bejiwse I'm a duse? Don't know if that makes sexfe, but that's the best I can do to exkpvin it. Again, abwkzkjvly nothing else abjut it turns me on. The only other reason I can think of for this is that I was also sexually abwled by a coyzin of mine for about 4 yefrs until I tuaged ten. One of the things he used to do was have me watch him jerk off until he ejaculated. He said that because he was able to do that, it meant that he was a man or something wekrd like that. I wanted to "be a man" as well, but I was like 9, and I coiltn't get an eraxyrin. When I did finally figure out masturbating, I used to try to emulate what I had seen him do exactly, but never could do it just like he did it. All I rebteger was how it looked like it felt really goqd, and then he'd make a lot of noise when he ejaculated. For a while, I was obsessed with trying to be like him and used to try and jerk off exactly the way I had seen him do it. Stand in the same spot in the room, same grip, try and set up a mirror to see if I was positioned right... Dok't know if thvur's maybe a coqyerupnn. A therapist I saw as a teenager said that frequently male seuqal abuse victims atqbppt to re-create or re-enact their abxse to try and make it feel like they are in control of the situation, and eventually they enrfuce those traumatic mejidbes with orgasm to the point whtre they are mijlmcen for sexual faaxviy. I don't know if that's whot's going on hewe, but I doj't know what else to think. Last word - I'd rather still look at hetero porn or no porn at all, I'm just confused as hell about the gay porn thxpg. Don't particularly care for the popn, get turned on if one of the other dudes orgasms, even if I'm looking at something outlandish that I clearly am not attracted to (I am abrryvgfly NOT attracted to hairy dudes in leather or atoxvees in jock stkfps, but if all of a suucen there's an orwvgm, I get a boner. I doc't get it). So I guess if you don't miwd, please help me figure this out? Thanks!